Fingerless Gloves and Other Pointless Things

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Fingerless Gloves and Other Pointless Things

January 30, 2012 by cappy @ writer's block

I’m all for looking awesome, but sometimes I wonder why looking awesome has recently come at the expense of wearing useless things.

The fingerless gloves have got to go. Honestly. Unless you’re homeless or happen to need them in order to properly be a mechanic or something, you should be ashamed of yourself for wearing them. You should be ashamed of yourselves for imitating homeless “fashion.” Homeless people do not wear clothes for fashion. They wear them because they’re clothes. And the fact that you have chosen to emulate their “wardrobe” is an affront to homeless people everywhere.

Stop wearing your headband across your forehead. The purpose of a headband is to keep things OFF of your forehead, not add a bedazzled strip across it. Why would anyone think that looks attractive, you ask? Answer: They’re cutting off the circulation to their brain.

Your lensless/non-prescription glasses make you look like a fool. You’re not playing Harry Potter. You’re not, even though you dreamed you would. Weren’t you the kid who made fun of the “nerds” wearing glasses? Well, you’ve apparently joined their club, but they don’t want you. I speak for all glasses-wearing nerds because…I am not one…and…um…

Jesus doesn’t care that you tattooed his fish onto your hip. In fact, he might be frowning from the right hand of God right now, because you purposefully put it there in order to look sexy. I understand that many people feel that their faith is so important to them that they want to permanently mark their body with it, but…well, actually, I don’t understand that. Because I thought that faith was meant to be spiritual, not physical, and I’m pretty sure it’s not meant to be shown off while wearing a bathing suit.

And finally, stop putting inspiring posters/plaques up in your dorm room. I don’t want to walk into a room and be immediately told to live.laugh.love. or some other nonsense. And for heaven’s sake…the God sayings have to end.

Now that I’ve proven that I’m a total grump, have a wonderful day!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged fashion, god, humor, musings, pointless, random, rant, spiritual sayings, tattoos | 11 Comments

11 Responses

on January 30, 2012 at 4:03 pm | Reply disseminatedthought

Thank you for an amusing piece!

Why can’t God sleep? Does he need Ambien?
- on January 30, 2012 at 5:23 pm | Reply cappy @ writer's block
  
  Maybe he has restless leg syndrome? Who knows. Maybe he likes to party…
on January 30, 2012 at 5:10 pm | Reply Kate

I could not agree more! And on every point! Those fish tattoos are the ones that really get me.

From a fashion standpoint I would also add Uggs that are worn with Nike shorts. If it’s warm enough to wear shorts, then I don’t want to think of the hotbed of bacteria and nastiness going on in those fur boots. If it’s cold enough to need Uggs then slap a pair of pants on those legs and quit moaning about the fact that you have goosebumps.
- on January 30, 2012 at 5:22 pm | Reply cappy @ writer's block
  
  How did I not think of that? I completely agree. Also, since when do Nike shorts go with Uggs anyway? Uggs are not athletic shoes.
  Also, Uggs in the summer. Those are made of sheep, you know. Not exactly summer apparel.
on January 30, 2012 at 5:32 pm | Reply Charlotte

*Your lensless/non-prescription glasses make you look like a fool.*
They totally do! and this bugs the crap out of me… I hate stupid people that would wear just about anything to look cool v_________v

The Jesus fish thing is just too much!

Nice post.
- on January 30, 2012 at 7:01 pm | Reply cappy @ writer's block
  
  Thanks for reading! I’m glad my scorn is shared by you :)
on January 30, 2012 at 9:59 pm | Reply monicastangledweb

Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed. Either that, or they’re feeling pretty sick. ;)
- on January 30, 2012 at 11:56 pm | Reply cappy @ writer's block
  
  A fever will do that to you! I’d like to blame it on delirium.
on January 31, 2012 at 4:03 pm | Reply gojulesgo

Ha! Oh yes, the fake glasses KILL me (in the bad, serial-killer-who-wants-to-make-a-skin-coat kind of way).

I have this fake ‘motivational’ poster on my wall at work (from despair.com), and I love that NO ONE ever catches on. (It’s a picture of a sunset and it says: “MOTIVATION. If a pretty picture and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon.”)
- on January 31, 2012 at 10:31 pm | Reply cappy @ writer's block
  
  Ahahahahahhahaha that is brilliant!!! I want that poster.
on March 4, 2012 at 2:50 am | Reply Anonymous

I agree with all of these except the first. There is a value to fingerless gloves, and it is something that you in your innocence to drug culture would not have been exposed to. Fingerless gloves keep you hands warm, but you can still easily operate a lighter because the tips of your fingers still are dextrous and have traction on the plastic and sparking wheel.

Always watching out for the truth
Sincerely,
Anonymous